Svetlana Thursday: The Backstory

So things are getting a little too serious around here, which means it's time for the unveiling of Svetlana. No, Svetlana is not my fishnet-wearing, burlesque-dancing, hula-hooping altar ego, although that would be interesting.  She is, to be completely direct, a stuffed dog dressed in Christmas-wear who can stand on two legs and carries an impressive amount of foliage while wearing a jaunty little hat. For those of you are thinking that I finally went over the proverbial edge, a little backstory.

I work at a university in the Division of Student Affairs, a generally happy environment with the occasional holiday merriment. Our annual holiday social last year included a white elephant gift exchange (also commonly known as yankee swap, bad santa, etc.). Basic gist - find some craptastic item from your house that you no longer care for or never did and pawn it off on some unsuspecting schlub you work with. Typically, the best of these gifts are either completely random, somewhat sexual in nature, or so completely random that you wonder who thought to create such a product in the first place.

Svetlana falls in the last category. I immediately spotted her on the table of gifts and started strategizing about how to claim her for my own. I imagined that she would become something of a mascot, creepily greeting students as they walk into my office. Long story short, it was not meant to be. Another coworker managed to snag her before I got the chance through a highly biased version of white elephant. I was crushed, yet determined. Jon, the coworker who now had ownership of Svetlana, proudly marched her back to his office where she stood at the front desk creepily greeting students at the campus activities (CAIC) desk.

Svetlana respecting all cultures during this holiday season.

I immediately started plotting a kidnapping expedition and managed to wrangle some help from Jon's coworkers who were more than happy to send Svetlana on an adventure far far away from their front desk. Luckily, Jon was headed out of town early for the Christmas holiday, giving me the perfect opportunity to enact my plan. I stealthily whisked Svetlana to my office and set up a gmail account for her where she immediately started sending Jon messages (CC'd to all of her [my] friends in the division of course). What follows can only be explained by the extreme boredom of students abandoning campus and a career counselor with an overactive imagination.

12/20/2010
Subject: I'm sorry to report
From: svetlanastravels@gmail.com
To: kappellj@uncw.edu

Dear Jon,

I have flown the coop! Exited the building! Made like a tree and left, leaved? leafed?, you know what I mean. I just couldn't stand sitting up on that counter anymore taking in all the ridicule about my outfit and especially my hat. I just don't think CAIC is the right place for me and will therefore begin my journey through the division to find a more suitable home. I know that many will want to take me in based on the outstanding reception I received at the holiday function the other day. Don't feel guilty Jon. You did what you could. But it's just not going to work out. However, I will keep you informed of my journey since you were kind enough to grace me with a name (and then change it). By the way, Sasha sounds like the name of a drunk ice dancer. We're going with Svetlana. Take note.

I hope you have a happy holiday. I know I will. :)

Svetlana

That's all you get today my friends. Check back next Thursday for the continuing adventures of Svetlana!